SPOILER WATCH: X-Force #13

From what I've read, this issue will be desive and controversial. With a blatent death of a Cult B-List X-Character and a pair of Big Question marks...

...I'd like to re-iterate my earlier point.

STOP KILLING PEOPLE!

*sigh*

So much for the Nextwave Reunion...

Comics to Television: Why haven't these been picked up yet?

If you haven't heard of Bill Willingham's Fables, I suggest you go to Amazon.com right now and order all the trades of it you can. The basic plot is that due to a horrible conflict in their own world, a legion of Fairy Tale characters have taken up residence in New York City. Basically you have these characters adapting to life in the "real world" filled with intrigue and mystery.
Now, ABC has ordered a pilot based on this series. I will be watching it when it comes out. Because Fables is that awesome. So awesome it hurts. Go buy it. I'm serious. I'm not going to tell you again. >: I
 
But this got me thinking. What other series are begging to be given the small screen treatment? Here's some ideas.
 
Series Title: Academy X/X-men: First Class
Publisher: Marvel Comics
Possible Network: FOX
 
With it's strangle hold on the X-men franchise, you'd think FOX would try to boost it's mutant market by capitalizing on the popularity of teen dramas like The OC, Gossip Girl, etc. Marvel's Academy X is about a group of students at Xavier's Institute, and dealing with being not only a hormonal teenager, but a hormonal teenager with superpowers. 
 
Likewise, X-men: First Class is a retelling of the early years of the OG X-men (Cyclops, Marvel Girl, Iceman, Angel, and Beast). Again, teen drama and superpowers are a cash cow. How many seasons has Smallville been on now? Yeah. I thought so.
 
Series Title: The Walking Dead
Publisher: Image Comics
Possible Networks: Showtime, HBO
 
Robert Kirkman's ode to George Romero's classic is one of the best comics out there, zombie fans all over praise the work for it's study of our survival instincts and it's realistic portrayal
 
It is a sprawling drama, about the ultra violent struggle of man vs. the undead, as a rag tag group of survivors fight for their lives against the zombie horde.  This just screams Showtime or HBO, two networks that have simultaneously cornered the markets on both engaging character development and mature themes. 
 
Who wouldn't love watching a hour long zombie drama? I know I would!
 
Series Title: Gotham Central
Publisher: DC Comics
Possible Networks: The CW (Warner Brothers)
 
Ok, here's a concept.  Procedural Cop Dramas have been steadily popular for YEARS. Shows like CSI, NYPD Blue, The Shield, etc have been on the top of the ratings charts for such a long time, you'd think that a comic written by the award winning Ed Brubaker would be easy pickings.
 
Not convinced? What about a Procedural Cop Drama written by Ed Brubaker about being a cop in Gotham City. Yeah, I thought that'd do the trick.  Long story short, it's about being a cop in the shadow of the Batman. A Batman series without Batman. Cool right?
 
In fact, the CW wanted to pick this up a series, but the memory of the dismal Birds of Prey series stuck with them and decided against it.  The characters are well developed and compelling, the rogue's gallery is the MOST colorful/iconic groups of miscreants and malcontents ever put on the page, and Batman is selling like nothing else right now. Seems easy enough of a choice right?
 
Series Title: X-factor
Publisher: Marvel Comics
Possible Networks: FOX
 
Again, since FOX owns the right to the X-men, they would be the ones putting this one out. A team of wonderfully b-list X-men characters operating as private detectives in "Mutant Town", a district of New York City that the X-gene positive have made their own. Mutant Town is a lot like California's Castro district, for those not in the know.
 
You have the lovable Jamie Madrox, a man who's life can best be described as multiple choice (he has the power to create duplicates of himself, each representing an aspect of his personality), his best friend, the muscle bound Guido Carosella (with the tounge-in-cheek- alias of Strong Guy), femme fatale Monet St. Croix (telepathic, super strength, flight, and arrogant as hell), X-men Legacy/Jamie's main squeeze Theresa  Cassidy (Daughter of Banshee, similar powers), Scottish lycanthrope Rahne Sinclair, and depowered Mutant Julio Rictor make up the team. The book itself is amazing, and a show based around them would be fantastic.
 
Series Title: The Question
Publisher: DC Comics
Possible Network: The CW
 
DC's second most notable detective, Victor Sage has already appeared in animated form (see Justice League Unlimited), and has a huge fan following from his comic appearances as well. He's also the main inspiration behind Watchmen's Rorschach,  cool right?
 
"But Kyle, wouldn't a Batman based detective show be better?" You may ask. But Victor isn't from Gotham, he's from Hub City, a urban wasteland with worse crime than Gotham. Victor doesn't have Bruce Wayne's limitless resources or gadgets, just his keen intellect and his own two hands.  
 
How's that for compelling television? 
 
Hard boiled neo-noir would suit him best, with some internal dialogue to narrate the story. I really hope the CW is reading this, because GC and The ?uestion would be so much better than an Aquaman or Robin TV show (both projects they've tried to get off the ground).
 
Series Title: Scalped
Publisher: Vertigo Comics
Possible Networks: HBO or Showtime
 
Scalped is best described as a well written mash up of the film noir and western genres, telling the story of Dashiell Bad Horse, who returns to the reservation after fifteen years of absence, celebrating the fact by picking a fight with whomever crosses his path. Chief Lincoln Red Crow local bigwig, notices our hero's enthusiasm for getting his hands dirty and hires him for the tribal police, of which he is the chief as well. Bad Horse's primary duties are the taking out of meth labs - Red Crow is about to open a 97 million dollar casino, the 'Crazy Horse', and needs to clean up the reservation's public image before he can get things into motion.
 
Of course, there's a twist. Bad Horse is an undercover FBI agent, whose immediate superior still means to bring Red Crow to justice for the murder of two FBI agents, thirty years ago.
With "Urban and Gritty" being so common now, something "Rural/Western and Gritty" is goddamn refreshing, and perfect for the premium networks to run with. I also love the fact that Bad Horse is named after a character in the Maltese Falcon. 

All in all, if I were in charge of a television studio, I would BEELINE for these properties. Until that time, when's Fables on?

TWIMC: Aron E. Coliete

POSSIBLE SPOILERS WARNING

But by any right you shouldn't be caring about the most expensive and semi-ornate handful of glorified toilet paper this side of 'The da Vinci Code'.

See this preview of 'Ultimate X-Men #100'?

Well... Let's face it you haven't exactly proven yourself the best writer, have you?

You took the only visible Gay couple in the Ultimate Universe, crippled one and took the sensitive, artistic and gentle one and turned him into some horrible 'Roid-filled, Stereotypical Mess...

That drug in particular is a story of it's own. Named after a popular mainstream character ('Banshee'), when two different things with the same effect had already been introduced in the M/S MU... The Standard 'Mutant Growth Hormone' or 'MGH', with some overtones of Grant Morrison's 'Kick'... But rather than a sentient mould/bacterial life form, it turns out to be some drug...

...DERIVED FROM WOLVERINE'S DNA...

(Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooore...)

...Created by Xavier and Magneto, but canned by the Prof, so what did Mags do? Go and get Moira F*cking MacTaggert to produce it to fund her base on Muir Island, (baring in mind that the most powerful Psychic had been around her before now, in canon and none of this coming up before, mind...) and upon being confronted about it... Suddenly seems to have developed mutant powers of her own! A Sonic Scream, no less...

But no... That's not my point right now... Right now you are messing with my homeland, and by proxy, me...

If you honestly think that you can go around making out that our most important seat of Government, whilst full of every single MP and a series of European Superheroes are inside, can get inside and blow the place up, the only resistance having been from two overweight, poorly protected Police Officers dressed in uniforms that went out in the Eighties, armed only with truncheons?

Firstly, do your research mate (See Picture, Below). Every one with at least a Stab-Vest. The one's around Parliament? Armed and trained to kill. And that's just the ones on the outside... And don't even THINK of claiming it's to increase dramatic tension and/or about suspension of belief. A good writer can get around that and still get his point across.

Secondly, Racism much? I know it's not right to throw that word around wantonly, but I will not have my nation played up as a helpless bunch of over-weight (*ahem*), under-prepared losers ready for the Big, Bad-Ass Americans to swan in and play WWII Saviours again...

We are NOT victims.

And we NEVER WILL BE.

(Editor's Note: See 'Captain Britain & MI:13' Issues 1-6 'The Guns of Avalon' - Secret Invasion Tie-In.)

Image from the New Zealand Herald Website, found via Google.

Novels You Shouldn't Read to Put a Smile on Your Face

There are tons of books out there. Literally. There are so many. Millions. Billions. And the majority of these books are great pick-up-and-read books with interesting plot movement, romance, laughs, etc. But buyer beware: there are lots of great books that are downright depressing and sad. Here is a small sampling of some books that will not only bring you down, but probably ruin your life. WARNING SPOILERS: Every one of these novels is a good read, so despite my ruining them, read them anyway.

Rabbit, Run by John Updike is a touching tale of a man who learns to cope with the realities of the world and his surroundings and enjoy the fact that all of his dreams have come true. Right? No. The novel is centered around Harry "Rabbit" Angstrom, a former high school basketball player who hates his middle class life. In an attempt to escape, he runs away from it all, only to discover his old coach, who introduces him to a prostitute named Ruth, who he has a long affair with, which causes his wife, Janice, to move back in with her parents. Rabbit only leaves Ruth when he hears that Janice has gone into labor. He returns home and is content for a while, until one night his wife refuses to sleep with him and he runs away to find Ruth again. Distraught, his wife gets drunk and accidentally drowns the newborn baby in the bathtub. Rabbit refuses to take any blame, and runs away again. He goes to Ruth, only to find her pregnant. She gives him an ultimatum: divorce Janice, or she gets an abortion. Rabbit can't make a choice and winds up running away again. And that's how it ends. Oh, by the way, Updike made 3 MORE of these heartbreakers about how much life sucks. Just makes you giggle, right? Moving on.

Many people have seen either one of the film adaptations (either the 1962 or 1997) of Vladimir Nabokov's Lolita. This novel is about a man experiencing platonic love for a young orphan girl who he then accepts as his daughter, right? No. It focuses on Humbert Humbert, a lit major who is attracted to "nymphets" or girls between the ages of nine and fourteen. He moves to New York from Paris only to find himself boarding with a widow and her young daughter Dolores, who he nicknames Lolita. He falls in love with the young girl, of course, and upon discovering this the mother attempts to send her daughter to a boarding school. While crossing the street to mail the letters to confirm her being sent, however, she is killed by an automobile. The letters are never sent, and Humbert goes to retrieve Lolita from the summer camp she is attending under the pretense that her mother is merely ill and in the hospital. He takes her to a hotel and intends to give her sleeping pills so he can have his way with her, but she winds up seducing him. Humbert tells Lolita the truth about her mother and gives her no choice but to live with him under his terms. They drive around the country from state to state, sleeping in motels. Humbert continually bribes her for sexual favors. They settle in a New England town, where they pose as father and daughter. Lolita becomes enthralled in the theatrical company at her school and is going to star in a performance when she has an argument with Humbert. She runs away, but he finds her, and she demands to leave town immediately. They do, but Humbert senses they are being followed. Lolita falls ill, and she is checked out of the hospital by her "uncle", much to Humbert's surprise. Apparently, she was having an affair with playwright Clare Quilty, who took her from the hospital. Humbert tries to chase them down, but loses their trail. He settles with a petitte girl ten years his junior, when he hears from Lolita. She is now 17, pregnant, poor, and in need of money. She reveals that she once loved Quilty, but he abandoned her when she refused to be in a pornographic film he was making. Humbert gives her the money from her mother's estate, takes a gun, and kills Quilty. He dies in prison of a clot in his brain. Lolita dies during childbirth. Fuck. Nabakov is apparently a bit of a sadist, because he wishes to impart no pleasure to anyone in this book. Not only is this story depressing, but it's disturbing as well.

Another one of those cheerful sunday afternoon books is Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger. Holden Caulfield just loves to have fun and think about the great turns his life has taken. WRONG! He hates himself and the whole world. He runs away from home, contemplates suicide, gets beat up by a pimp, generally lies about himself, disenchants his relationship with his sister, almost gets felt up, and winds up sleeping on a bench at one point. He finally breaks down crying watching his sister ride a carousel in Central Park. Oh, and his brother died when he was a kid. So there's that. Wanna feel like everyne around you is a phony? Wanna be reminded that John Lennon's death, along with other assassinations, were associated with reading this novel? Go ahead, do it.

So there's a few. Maybe I'll find some more depressing literature to discuss later on. I'll keep you informed.

Iron Man 2: Expectations High.

Iron Man was not something I wanted to see at first. Marvel chose to release it during a point in time when Tony Stark was among the least most popular characters in the whole universe, (See Marvel:Civil War), and he certainly didn't have the exposure of the X-men or Spider-man.You see, Tony Stark isn't a misunderstood misfit mutant. He isn't a sympathetic web slinging loser. He's filthy rich, a womanizer, a boozer and he's not afraid of putting these traits in your face.  He's hard to identify with. Period.

Like I stated, I was not looking forward to the film.

Then I heard Jon Favreau was directing. Previously to Iron Man, he had directed Made, Elf, and Zathura, three films that didn't cement my belief that the man could reign in Tony Stark. 

Again, I was wary. But then I heard that Robert Downey Jr. had been cast to play Tony Stark. 

"Well played Jon Favreau...well played" I sneered from my rotating villain chair, "But will your next move be as wise?"

Jeff Bridges was then cast as the antagonist Obidiah Stane. I was defeated. I was going to the movie.

Needless to say that I, like nearly everyone else, loved the movie. It had everything you could want in a well polished film and more. The drama wasn't over played, the comedy was fresh and funny... it isn't any surprise that many critics chose it OVER The Dark Knight as the best comic film of the year. 

Naturally,  and this is something I'm certain everyone else does, I started thinking about the sequel. What was next for Tony Stark? Would he join the "Avengers Initiative" (awesome)? Will there be more Samuel L. Jackson in future (Yes. He's signed on for NINE films with Marvel)? There were many questions floating around my brain as I walked out of the theatre that night.

The biggest of all was "Ok. So now they have to top Jeff Bridges in the next film. What villain could they possibly use?"

Naturally there's Iron Man's arch nemesis The Mandarin, a character that is not only horribly racist (He is the MANDARIN after all), but uses magical rings. The Ten Rings was the name of the terrorist group in IM, a nice nod to the villain, and Iassumed we'd see him next. 

Then there's my personal favorite, the industrial spy known as the Ghost. Ghost has a power suit too, but his let's him pass through solid objects and become invisible. Imagine how cool that would be! Right? A spy at Stark Industries, stealing Iron Man suit secrets! 

Meanwhile, a little film known as "The Wrestler" was released. Mickey Rourke fever sweeps the nation. I have always been a fan.  

Marvel decides to nearly kill me with fangasmic awesomeness when I discover they were courting him to play a villain in the sequel.  (Sam Rockwell's Justin Hammer is not yet set in stone yet *fingers crossed*)

"Well played Favreau..."

It is my great pleasure to announce that Mickey 

Rourke has in fact signed onto the film, to play... Whiplash. ->

Uhm. Wut?

Ok. Let me be fair. This is an old picture of the guy, but I wish I was being facetious when I say that this is his coolest costume.

Ok. Let be be fair once more. According to the Iron Man 2 people, he will also have elements of the Crimson Dynamo (see below) within his character as well.

So now, again... I am wary.  I've had bad experiences with poor mix matching (X-3's Callisto-Caliban-Quicksilver and Hulk's Daddy Banner-Absorbing Man-Zzazx... oh is my nerd showing?) before...

Even more so now with this announcement: Scarlett Johansson will be portraying Marvel's premire Femme Fatale The Black Widow.

ScarJo is pretty. I'll give her that. But can she play hardened Post Cold War operative? 

We'll see.

I just hope they go with ...erm....better.... costume for Rourke... something like this maybe...

Speaking of Which...

With Li'l Bridges condemnation of Memes... I think I'd like to address one particular piece of mindless cultural repetition and say:

As wonderful as it is that you folks in the Good Ol' USA have a nice, new, decent president and you wanna celebrate it an'all by giving him the Wolverine treatment?

I think enough is enough when Rob Liefeld jumps on that particular bandwagon...

Yeah...

Stop now... Plz...

Memeography – an art losing its luster.

In the last five years, internet memes have broken out of the internet and into the mainstream. Any Tom, Dick, or Harry could tell you whether they “has cheeseburgers” or if something was an “epic fail”. The traditionally nerdy “that’s what she said” has broken out onto the network television scene with its appearance on The Office.

However, the last few years have been strangely devoid of worthwhile memes. The “Yo dawg” Xzibit meme is funny only the first eight billion times you StumbleUpon it. Demotivationals are clever, but the jokes are hit or miss, and sometimes even too inside for the internet crowd.

So what happened? When did the internet lose its shining stars of wry creativity and sarcastic humor and mindlessly funny video game lines? I could yell “do a barrel roll” at the top of my lungs in any public forum and get nothing. NOTHING! Where did these kids grow up? When? In the nineties? I DON’T THINK SO! Everyone loves their precious “lolcats” and such, but when was the last time any of them celebrated a real caturday? The meme should never have left the internet. It’s all become watered down. I haven’t seen the emergence of a true, repeatable, hilarious meme in years. And this saddens me deeply.

We need to develop a kind of system, nay, a quorum. A collection of individuals who have the perfect touch to apply to the world of dying internet humor, who could develop new memes and send them out into the world, like fledgling doves. Because the internet has a cancer, and it is called the common man. And to combat the influence of the common man, we must redouble our efforts to re-nerd-ify.