Novels You Shouldn't Read to Put a Smile on Your Face

There are tons of books out there. Literally. There are so many. Millions. Billions. And the majority of these books are great pick-up-and-read books with interesting plot movement, romance, laughs, etc. But buyer beware: there are lots of great books that are downright depressing and sad. Here is a small sampling of some books that will not only bring you down, but probably ruin your life. WARNING SPOILERS: Every one of these novels is a good read, so despite my ruining them, read them anyway.

Rabbit, Run by John Updike is a touching tale of a man who learns to cope with the realities of the world and his surroundings and enjoy the fact that all of his dreams have come true. Right? No. The novel is centered around Harry "Rabbit" Angstrom, a former high school basketball player who hates his middle class life. In an attempt to escape, he runs away from it all, only to discover his old coach, who introduces him to a prostitute named Ruth, who he has a long affair with, which causes his wife, Janice, to move back in with her parents. Rabbit only leaves Ruth when he hears that Janice has gone into labor. He returns home and is content for a while, until one night his wife refuses to sleep with him and he runs away to find Ruth again. Distraught, his wife gets drunk and accidentally drowns the newborn baby in the bathtub. Rabbit refuses to take any blame, and runs away again. He goes to Ruth, only to find her pregnant. She gives him an ultimatum: divorce Janice, or she gets an abortion. Rabbit can't make a choice and winds up running away again. And that's how it ends. Oh, by the way, Updike made 3 MORE of these heartbreakers about how much life sucks. Just makes you giggle, right? Moving on.

Many people have seen either one of the film adaptations (either the 1962 or 1997) of Vladimir Nabokov's Lolita. This novel is about a man experiencing platonic love for a young orphan girl who he then accepts as his daughter, right? No. It focuses on Humbert Humbert, a lit major who is attracted to "nymphets" or girls between the ages of nine and fourteen. He moves to New York from Paris only to find himself boarding with a widow and her young daughter Dolores, who he nicknames Lolita. He falls in love with the young girl, of course, and upon discovering this the mother attempts to send her daughter to a boarding school. While crossing the street to mail the letters to confirm her being sent, however, she is killed by an automobile. The letters are never sent, and Humbert goes to retrieve Lolita from the summer camp she is attending under the pretense that her mother is merely ill and in the hospital. He takes her to a hotel and intends to give her sleeping pills so he can have his way with her, but she winds up seducing him. Humbert tells Lolita the truth about her mother and gives her no choice but to live with him under his terms. They drive around the country from state to state, sleeping in motels. Humbert continually bribes her for sexual favors. They settle in a New England town, where they pose as father and daughter. Lolita becomes enthralled in the theatrical company at her school and is going to star in a performance when she has an argument with Humbert. She runs away, but he finds her, and she demands to leave town immediately. They do, but Humbert senses they are being followed. Lolita falls ill, and she is checked out of the hospital by her "uncle", much to Humbert's surprise. Apparently, she was having an affair with playwright Clare Quilty, who took her from the hospital. Humbert tries to chase them down, but loses their trail. He settles with a petitte girl ten years his junior, when he hears from Lolita. She is now 17, pregnant, poor, and in need of money. She reveals that she once loved Quilty, but he abandoned her when she refused to be in a pornographic film he was making. Humbert gives her the money from her mother's estate, takes a gun, and kills Quilty. He dies in prison of a clot in his brain. Lolita dies during childbirth. Fuck. Nabakov is apparently a bit of a sadist, because he wishes to impart no pleasure to anyone in this book. Not only is this story depressing, but it's disturbing as well.

Another one of those cheerful sunday afternoon books is Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger. Holden Caulfield just loves to have fun and think about the great turns his life has taken. WRONG! He hates himself and the whole world. He runs away from home, contemplates suicide, gets beat up by a pimp, generally lies about himself, disenchants his relationship with his sister, almost gets felt up, and winds up sleeping on a bench at one point. He finally breaks down crying watching his sister ride a carousel in Central Park. Oh, and his brother died when he was a kid. So there's that. Wanna feel like everyne around you is a phony? Wanna be reminded that John Lennon's death, along with other assassinations, were associated with reading this novel? Go ahead, do it.

So there's a few. Maybe I'll find some more depressing literature to discuss later on. I'll keep you informed.